me, myself, and i

Mothers spend many years as the center of their children’s universe. Just as the planets orbit the sun, our kids literally and figuratively run circles around us. During this season, our children look to us for love, entertainment, guidance, security, and sustenance. It is glorious and exhausting.

As seasons change, so does motherhood. Inevitably, there comes a time when our children’s orbit stretches a little bit farther and a little bit farther until it becomes an oblong shape. There are moments when they seem incredibly far away, and we wait for them to circle back, closer to our warmth.

It’s a natural process.

As a professional who has dedicated the last decade to studying human development, I can quote countless articles and books which explain that teenagers must put distance between themselves and their parents. It is how they learn to navigate the world independently. It is how they make meaning of experiences. It is how they gain confidence and create their own boundaries. As a mother, I can only tell you that it sucks and it’s lonely at times.

One of my core beliefs is that we are always presented with a choice in how we react to life. My children’s orbits are extending beyond my outstretched arms and lately, I find myself with a lot of free time.  I can either question my purpose and become a dying star, or I can discover new ways to ignite the light within me.

This year has been a journey, as I explore new hobbies, new friendships, and ways to meaningfully fill my time. One of the revelations I’ve had during this season is that I don’t know how to enjoy my own company. After years of being busy and distracted, rarely having a moment to myself, I now have countless hours to spend with me, myself, and I. Surprisingly, I don’t really know her.

So, I decided to set a goal of dating myself this summer.

At this point, you may be asking “WTF does that even mean?”
Great question, you curious little thing!

The idea stems from a book about creativity that I read years ago--The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron. The premise is along the lines of the famed saying, “Writers write” and I was looking for ideas to get my pen moving again after months of having nothing to say. Cameron explained that creativity is near impossible to access when we are locked into dreary routine, white knuckling life day after day. Creativity is born out of the unexpected, the joyful, the curious, and the playful. Thus, she advocates for “Artist Dates” as a way to reignite the simmering embers.

“Artist Dates are assigned play… They fire up imagination. They spark whimsy. They encourage play… When choosing an Artist Date, it is good to ask yourself, ‘what sounds fun?’—and then allow yourself to try it.”[kc1] 

I decided use the concept of the Artist’s Date as inspiration for learning to enjoy my own company.

Because I thrive within structure (and am a super big nerd), I decided to set some ground rules for my solo dates.

1. I will schedule one date per week to spend time alone, doing something I enjoy.
2. Dates must be at least one hour long.
3. During the date, I will not use my phone as a source of distraction or entertainment. Instead, I will lean into the discomfort of being alone and work to be present and engaged with the world around me.
4. I will initiate conversation with at least one stranger during my solo dates.

Okay, that last one is likely not going to happen, but I am setting the intention to be more social. It might surprise you to know that I’m very shy and consider myself to be socially awkward. You’ll often hear me declining an invitation because “It’s too people-y there.” Solo dates feel like an opportunity to develop this atrophied muscle.

If the concept of dating yourself appeals to you, here are some affordable ideas I have penciled onto my own calendar:

• Go to the nursery and buy flowers for the garden
• Walk in nature
• Take a book to the beach
• Browse the bookstore
• Take myself out for lunch
• Do a yoga class
• Go to the farmer’s market

When our children no longer need us as fiercely as in their earliest years, it becomes time to need ourselves. What a beautiful time it can be—walking towards our own independence and rediscovering the world at the same time our children are exploring their own lives. The parallelism of this season is close to perfection.
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And, in moments when our orbits pull us close, the boys and I will have so much to talk about! I can’t wait.

 [kc1]https://juliacameronlive.com/basic-tools/artists-dates/