questions and boundaries

Boun-da-ries…  bound-aries…  boundaries…

I’m sounding it out as the word is highly unfamiliar to me.

My Type A personality, coupled with an innate desire to people please creates the perfect recipe for self-inducing stress that would rival Gordon Ramsay’s most fiery concoctions: The Fixer’s Flambe, Your Savior’s Savory Sauce.

While my own life is often a hot mess, giving advice is my jam. My brain is chalked full of mental health strategies, the perfect book or podcast recommendation which will solve your problems, and insightful anecdotes which both entertain and teach.

I also want all the people in my life to feel cared for. When we are together, I will ensure you feel seen, heard, and that you feel like the most interesting human in the room. Your happiness is my greatest concern; thus, I will manipulate the environment to ensure both your safety and your enjoyment.

Am I an empath? Maybe. A control freak? For sure.
Boundaries between your happiness and mine? None.

My husband and I recently planned a once-in-a-lifetime vacation for our kids and my parents. Weeks before departure, in a vicious anxiety spiral, I found myself lamenting first world problems with my therapist. Having put so much pressure on the success of this vacation, I was beginning to lose sleep.

What if we don’t get along?
Maybe they won’t love the itinerary.
I want them to remember this trip forever.

After listening with the chilled-out patience of a monk who is high on weed, my therapist asked three poignant questions:

Is anyone asking you to be responsible for their happiness, or are you assuming the responsibility yourself?
Are you truly responsible for that?
Do you want to be responsible for that?

I realized that my husband and I had done our best to plan an amazing vacation for our family. We were organized, had considered everyone’s interests, and used our knowledge of the country to offer a diverse variety of experiences. If someone in our family did not enjoy the trip, that was on them. I needed to trust their ability to find their own joy.

Boundaries.

These three questions have become game-changers for me. They are applicable in almost every situation.

If your teenager is failing school…
If your spouse is unhappy with their job…
If your friend is in an unhealthy relationship…

Is anyone in your family asking you to be responsible for their happiness, or are you assuming the responsibility yourself?
Are you truly responsible for that?
Do you want to be responsible for that?

Micromanaging and fixing are not a show of support. By stepping over my boundaries and attempting to take control, I am sending the message that I do not believe the person can care for themselves or solve the problem on their own. My act of “love” is actually a thinly disguised insult to their intelligence.

By upholding boundaries, I am protecting my relationships. While offering a sympathetic ear and some gentle guidance (only if asked for), I am no longer a manipulator, but a genuine source of emotional support. The space between us prevents me from becoming energetically depleted, as my happiness is no longer contingent on the vibrations of those around me. With my own mental health in tact, I can serve others more profoundly. 

Instead of solving, fixing, pleasing, and micromanaging, I am learning to ask:
Do you need anything from me in this moment?
Would you like me to listen or help you find a solution?

​These questions feel like freedom for both of us. 

While it is often easier said than done, I am finding that upholding boundaries has not only improved my sleep, but has cleared mental space for me to contemplate other first world problems, like...

Why am I the only one in this house who knows what’s for dinner?