how are You?

I’m here to deliver a public service announcement that is going to piss some of you off. Trust me when I say that I share this opinion without judgement because it is something I am working on too. It's not a complaint, but an encouragement shared with love.

Mommas, when people ask how you are, or wonder what’s new in your life, stop telling them about your children.

I know it sounds harsh. But girl, you are more than just a momma. Though your babies are pieces of your soul walking free within this world, you are an entirely separate being. You are a gorgeous, intelligent woman. When people ask, they want to know about you and you are worthy of having your own answer.

I can’t tell you how many times I have called to connect with a girlfriend who proceeds to tell me about her children’s busy schedule, triumphs, and struggles. And I get it. I really do. As mommas, we bleed with our children, laugh with them, absorb their pain, and relish in their joy. I remember a time when I felt my life was not my own. From morning until bedtime, my schedule revolved around meals, naptimes, and playdates. It’s a difficult season.

Our children are of us, but they are not wholly us. We deserve to have our own feelings and experiences to share. 

Thank you for filling me in on your family happenings, but sweetheart, how are you? Does the constant chauffeuring stress you out? Are you exhausted and unshowered and overwhelmed? Are you joyfully cherishing each milestone? Are you unsure of how to fill newfound freedom? Are you dreaming of days when you can get back to being you?

Sometimes the demands of motherhood make us feel invisible. It’s thankless work--the millions of small tasks we perform daily to keep our families afloat. Much of our dedication goes unnoticed. When we arrive at family functions, the faces of grandparents, aunts and uncles light up upon seeing our kids, arms open and love flowing, while the mommas receive a quick peck on the cheek and perfunctory greeting. I am here too, you know.

So when someone takes a moment to check in, stop making yourself invisible! Stop hiding behind your children and step into your own individuality. Tell them how you are really feeling. Tell them about your day. Your struggles. Your successes.

And, while I am clearly on a roll with this ranting PSA, let’s revolutionize the way we greet people. “How are you?” is such a thoughtless question, one which really doesn’t invite an honest answer.

What percentage of humans who respond with “I’m fine” are actually fine? Fine is synonymous with “I don’t want to tell you the truth” or “I’m afraid you’d judge me if I told you how I was really feeling” or “You don’t truly want to know”.

This social interaction is so performative that it has lost its ability to foster meaningful human connection. There’s got to be a better way!

I challenge all women to remove the word “fine” from your vocabulary. Get creative. Get honest. Get brave in your answer.

And, can we go even further by asking a more well intentioned question?
“What brought you joy today?”
“How’s your stress level today?”
“Tell me about your morning.”
“What goals do you have right now?”
“What’s challenging you?”
 
Momma, I already know that you are dedicating your heart to raising amazing human beings. I already know that your days are selfless, that you doubt yourself, and that you lose sleep worrying about your family. I see you. I know you. I am you.
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Instead, tell me what excites you and lights your inner fire.
I really, truly want to know.